Don't sign with any agents. I am the man who'll put you on the stage, the one to Denver!
Seriously, Watch the babbling twin 17 month old boys and I think we can open for them in Vegas this summer. How does all the fried chicken and ice cream you can eat sound? We can even stay up until 8:30pm Obviopusly, I'll take 10 percent.
Practice these stand up lines:
"Good evening ladies and germs!"
"Hey, some of you guys look pretty old. A couple of you came by the green room before I went on and told me you once dated Betsey Ross. Another one said that he can remember Gabby Hayes, BEFORE he had a beard! My advice is don't buy any green bananas!"
"Take my Daycare teacher, Please!"
"How about all the wind out here; it was so windy that the 6pm news said Superman was even walking!"
"Where my Grandpa lives there is a severe drought. The lakes are really drying up. In fact it is so dry my Grandpa caufght a catfish with a tick on it!'
" Thank you very much, you have been a really great audience. Tell your friends that I'll be here all week."
Ely, sure wish I could teach you some Prairie tricks--- you could have them ROFL!
"Some guys have all the luck! A friend of mine drive here in a new $45,000 Cadilac and within 24 hours he go to ride a $375,000 Greyhound bus home."
"My Grandpa took a stress test last week and the cardio doctor said I have good news and bad news. Grandpa said lay the good news on me Doc. He replied---you have a very, very strong heart just like an 18 year old teenager. Grandpa said what's so bad about that? The doctor said Grandpa you need a body transplant!
"Speaking of medical providers; what do you call a person who graduates last in their med school class? DOCTOR!"
"Did you hear about the new reality show? It's call" The Biggest Liars" Only Congress and the White House are eligible to try out!"
"My Grandpa said that as a boy growing up in Kentucky he knew a man who had so many cavities he talked with an echo!"
Grandpa said his family lived so far back in the hills they once go a newspaper delivered that screamed in 3 inch high letters: BOOTH SHOOTS LINCOLN!"
"I wish you could meet my Grandpa. He once told me that in high school he dated a girl who had jealous eyes. They both watched each other!!"
"What about that Karate fellow who joined the Army and the first time he saluted he killed himself!"
"Well, I see by the old clock on the wall, hey, someone has hocked the old clock on the wall."
As always the Vegas crowd is the greatest. I've got just a few more nights before opening in Minot, ND at an all night convenience store just next door to the bowling alley.To get to Minot just drive North and watch the temperature go South."
"Take your meds, drink some warm milk, watch the local news and Leno's monologe, call your kids and grandkids, say your prayers notify the front desk to wake you up at the usual time: 5am. Good Night!
3 comments:
I love shakers!! And how he finds everything soooo delightful!!!
Ely,
Don't sign with any agents. I am the man who'll put you on the stage, the one to Denver!
Seriously, Watch the babbling twin 17 month old boys and I think we can open for them in Vegas this summer. How does all the fried chicken and ice cream you can eat sound? We can even stay up until 8:30pm Obviopusly, I'll take 10 percent.
Practice these stand up lines:
"Good evening ladies and germs!"
"Hey, some of you guys look pretty old. A couple of you came by the green room before I went on and told me you once dated Betsey Ross. Another one said that he can remember Gabby Hayes, BEFORE he had a beard! My advice is don't buy any green bananas!"
"Take my Daycare teacher, Please!"
"How about all the wind out here; it was so windy that the 6pm news said Superman was even walking!"
"Where my Grandpa lives there is a severe drought. The lakes are really drying up. In fact it is so dry my Grandpa caufght a catfish with a tick on it!'
" Thank you very much, you have been a really great audience. Tell your friends that I'll be here all week."
Ely, sure wish I could teach you some Prairie tricks--- you could have them ROFL!
Love,
Prairie Grandpa
Ely,
MORE MATERIAL FOR YOUR VEGAS ACT!
"Some guys have all the luck! A friend of mine drive here in a new $45,000 Cadilac and within 24 hours he go to ride a $375,000 Greyhound bus home."
"My Grandpa took a stress test last week and the cardio doctor said I have good news and bad news. Grandpa said lay the good news on me Doc. He replied---you have a very, very strong heart just like an 18 year old teenager. Grandpa said what's so bad about that? The doctor said Grandpa you need a body transplant!
"Speaking of medical providers; what do you call a person who graduates last in their med school class? DOCTOR!"
"Did you hear about the new reality show? It's call" The Biggest Liars"
Only Congress and the White House are eligible to try out!"
"My Grandpa said that as a boy growing up in Kentucky he knew a man who had so many cavities he talked with an echo!"
Grandpa said his family lived so far back in the hills they once go a newspaper delivered that screamed in 3 inch high letters: BOOTH SHOOTS LINCOLN!"
"I wish you could meet my Grandpa. He once told me that in high school he dated a girl who had jealous eyes. They both watched each other!!"
"What about that Karate fellow who joined the Army and the first time he saluted he killed himself!"
"Well, I see by the old clock on the wall, hey, someone has hocked the old clock on the wall."
As always the Vegas crowd is the greatest. I've got just a few more nights before opening in Minot, ND at an all night convenience store just next door to the bowling alley.To get to Minot just drive North and watch the temperature go South."
"Take your meds, drink some warm milk, watch the local news and Leno's monologe, call your kids and grandkids, say your prayers notify the front desk to wake you up at the usual time: 5am. Good Night!
Prairie Grandpa
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